The Wacky Adventures Of Solid Snake: Episode 1
by Otasnake
Summary: This is my first foray. It's a simple spoof with Snake fighting a group of other game characters on the way home from the pub. Please rate it as brutal as you'd like because I need feedback.


**The Snake And Friends VS Series. The Assorted Video Game Stars Commanded by Sam Fisher.**

**Rated M for Mature. Contains bloodshed.**

**DISCLAIMER :** I acknowledge I am not the copyright owner of any characters or such pertaining to either the Metal Gear universe, or any other copyrights this work of fan fiction infringes on. I am just a fan of the games and various science fiction shows and movies, not the copyright owner, but it's all harmless fun. It is not intended to portray any of the franchises mentioned herein in a negative manner unless it is in harmless parody, or scathing criticism.

Solid Snake was walking along the Manhattan docks on his evening stroll three months after the Big Shell with Raiden, Otacon, Rose and Meryl. It had been an eventful three months. MGS2 was the biggest hit of the year, MGS3 had just gone triple platinum and since then they had been receiving threatening E-mails from anonymous persons claiming to be characters from rival series' threatening of a imminent attack unless Snake retired. Snake typically had paid no notice to the threats and continued his high profile career in games and was in talks about an MGS movie with Mr. Kojima.

After an evening out on the tiles, Snake and his crew were walking home when they heard the sound of a car slowing down behind them. The car had been tearing down the street one minute and then had slowed down suddenly. The window rolled down and the barrel of a MAC-10 machine pistol was clearly visible. Snake hit the dirt in time and the bullets missed everyone else by inches. The car then hit a fire hydrant and started to smoke. Snake got up and drew his handgun and walked slowly towards the car. It's driver, a man with black hair in a blue Hawaiian shirt, jumped out and started shooting at Snake.

"Tommy Verceti? So the threats were true!" gasped Raiden as he hid behind a car with the rest of them.

"C'mere Snake!" yelled the Italian-American gangster as he shot at Snake with his Ruger assault rifle and Snake responded by filling Verceti's guts with lead.

"What the hell was that all about?" Snake asked the dying Mafioso. "You must have had some reason to come all the way from Miami to try and kill me."

Verceti never got to answer the question as a desert camouflaged Humvee pulled out and started shooting at Snake, who rolled to cover. The Navy SEALs were now out for Snake's head, but Snake knew how to confuse them. He would speak with a foreign accent! As soon as Snake put on his well-rehearsed Japanese accent, the SEALs were confused so much that they rifle-butted each other from 10 feet away. It was obvious that it was Kill Snake day since after the SEALs were done Dante jumped off of a building and started shooting at Snake. He continually missed Snake as he moved a little bit every time Dante tried to blast him. This confused the platinum blonde hero. He then ran along the wall of a building shooting behind his back, jumped in the air and did a 360 degree spin while still shooting at Snake with even less accuracy than before, and then landed on his feet.

Dante aimed at Snake again and pulled the trigger. CLICK! His guns finally went dry.

"Welcome to reality, where you have to reload your guns rather than just blast everything." said Snake as he headbutted Dante and knocked him out stone cold.

After that, Snake was confronted with another familiar face, or should I say mask. Master Chief from Halo had showed up and blasted at Snake with his twin machine guns.

"Otacon, any ideas?" yelled snake as the cyborg relentlessly emptied clip after clip into the wall that Snake was hiding behind.

"I know, try using a chaff!" said Raiden as he tossed one at Snake.

"Why didn't ya just throw it at him you moron! Ah what the hell…" groaned Snake as the tossed the chaff grenade at Master Chief and the cyborg froze.

Snake then walked up behind him and took out his batteries and then tipped him over with a slight touch. Snake breathed a sigh of relief for a minute, before he heard a cry of. . .

"Hey, Snake! Over here!" as the next combatants walked up behind him.

"I don't believe it…" said Snake as Cloud Strife and Tidus from Final Fantasy headed down the street towards him, swords drawn.

Raiden jumped out with his HF blade and handed Dante's sword to Snake.

"There he is! Get him!" yelled Tidus as they rushed at Snake.

Snake and Raiden evaded their attacks and slashed at them with their own blades. Raiden then raised his guard and made a "Bring it on, bitch!" hand gesture. Tidus nodded at a Cloud and they whistled, bringing in Vincent Valentine, Auron, Barett, and even Yuna for support. Meryl jumped up with her Desert Eagle drawn, whistled, and Grey Fox jumped out of nowhere with his ninja sword drawn. Ocelot popped up from the sewers with his SAA twirling. It was gonna be a hell of a showdown.

"Before we all slaughter each other, would you mind telling me why everyone is trying to kill me tonight?" asked Snake as he put down the sword and drew his FAMAS.

"Beat us and you'll find out!" said Cloud as he rushed at Raiden and the jamboree recommenced.

Raiden jumped out of the way and Cloud's sword swipe hit a lamppost and got stuck. Raiden then stuck his sword through Cloud's gut. It was far too easy to dodge an FF sword attack. Auron rushed Snake with his own blade, but he was too quick and he cut Snake's gun in half. Snake then tripped Auron over 'accidentally' and shot him in the head six times with his USP. Grey Fox had vanished, but he then reappeared behind Barett and cut off his gun-hand.

"I pity the fool that cuts off my gun!" yelled Barett who rushed at the Ninja.

But Fox simply vanished again and reappeared behind him, shoving his blade out through Barett's neck. Yuna and Vincent nodded to each other and drew their pistols on Grey Fox. The bullets hit the Ninja's exoskeleton, disabling his stealth camouflage.

"Uh-oh!" said the electronic voice of the Cyborg Ninja as a hail of bullets shattered his visor and he collapsed to the ground and his suit started malfunctioning.

They then turned on Ocelot, but the old man was too fast for them. He shot the guns out of Yuna's hands and hit Vincent right between the eyes in a three round burst that lasted only a second. He then walked slowly towards Yuna, twirling his revolver in the way only he could and stuck it into her face. Tidus jumped in Ocelot's way, his sword drawn.

"Back off!" Tidus shouted.

"I was going to thank her, boy!" said Ocelot looking Tidus in the eye, "I've been hoping that someone would get him since he took off my hand, since someone else didn't do a good job of it!"

Ocelot spasmed for a moment before he started speaking in an English accent.

"It's not my fault he wouldn't die when I crushed him!" said the voice of Liquid Snake.

Ocelot spasmed again for a moment before he regained control of himself. He drew his other gun and aimed it at Tidus and Yuna.

"Now why is everyone trying to kill Snake today?" Ocelot asked. "That's supposed to be my job."

"We're all jealous of Snake because he is so close to becoming a mainstream pop-culture character like Lara Croft." replied Tidus, taking Yuna in his arms.

"So when we were all told by someone you would be here tonight we decided to try and take you out before you ended up like that bitch. We didn't want you to sell out and start making crappy games." said Yuna, "We had the best interests of the gaming community in mind when we planned this but it looks like we failed."

This moved Snake deeply, and a manly tear came to his eye.

"I forgive you guys and I understand why you did it. But I'm not gonna sell out! I'm not gonna let Uwe Bowle direct my movie and I'll be dead before I endorse Lucozade!" said Snake.

"So can I endorse Lucozade then Snake?" asked Raiden.

"Hell no!" yelled everyone assembled.

"But who set this up?" asked Meryl as she holstered her gun.

"It must have been somebody who would have a means of getting information to a lot of people in a short period of time. He or she would know how to contact all of these characters and that person would probably have a grudge against Snake." Otacon explained.

"Someone who knows how to get onto all of these computers, leaves no trace, and hates me." Snake wondered aloud.

Then it hit him.

"It has to be the one guy who hates me more than I hate Liquid, Solidus and Big Boss put together, whose games are always worse than mine, and who would want me dead so he could have a monopoly on the stealth action market. It's that cock sucking, gadget addict, goggle faced little shit of an ex-seal!" fumed Snake.

"You don't mean him, do you?" whined Raiden.

"Yeah. I'm talking about Sam fucking Fisher!" Snake roared.

"Well done, Snake." came the familiar gruff voice of Fisher from behind a dustbin. "You do have a brain after all!"

Snake squared up with Fisher and the two looked ready to fight.

"You used them, Fisher! And for what? To settle our grudge?" grumbled Snake, throwing away his gun and drawing a knife.

"I was hoping you'd all kill each other that way I'd be able to expand my market and the market of my master." replied Fisher, putting away his own guns and drawing a knife.

"So this was all Bill Gates' plan? Then why Master Chief? Where dose he come into it?" said Snake. "Are you planning on doing an FPS, or something?"

"You'll see, Snake." said Fisher. "After I've killed you!"

The two squared off and the spectators watched as they ran at each other and engaged. Fisher took a long swipe at Snake, but Snake grabbed the knife, twisted Fisher's arm, hit the back of his elbow so he dropped the knife and then hit the back of his knees bringing him to the ground. He then put his knife to Fisher's neck and was about to cut his throat when Fisher hit Snake in the balls and jumped up and drew his FN Five Seven pistol. Snake grabbed the gun, hit Fisher in the neck and pulled the piece out of his hand out of is hand and disabled it. Fisher then drew his F2000 assault rifle and started shooting, but Snake easily dodged it, as Fisher couldn't hit shit. Ocelot then tossed him a revolver and Snake shot Fisher in the arm and then in the chest, dropping the spook in an instant.

The spectators cheered as Fisher limped off into his escape van.

"I'll be back, Snake!" Fisher exclaimed.

"Good! The only reason I didn't kill you was so I can kick your ass again!" Snake yelled right back as Fisher drove away.

The Snake was victorious and he was greeted with handshakes and high fives by all those present.

"No hard feelings, right?" Yuna asked.

"Of course not! Although you guys could have just asked me what my plans for the future were."

"We played Metal Gear Acid." Auron said.

Silence fell on the group.

"I knew something like this was going to happen because of that game." Snake said with a sigh. "In any case, the matter is settled and I'll be a bit more vocal about the games using my image in the future."

The characters from the other franchises cheered once more.

"Now let's go get so drunk we'll have to appoint Yuna as our designated healer!" Snake said.

Snake turned around to thank Ocelot for helping him, but his arch nemesis had vanished along with the ninja.

"Where did those two run off to?" Snake asked himself.

"Snake, forget about them. There's drinking to be done!" yelled Otacon as he put batteries back in Master Chief and threw water on Dante's face to revive him.

With the Chief and Dante back on their feet everyone set off in the direction of Snake's gaff for a celebratory beer. Snake realized that Fisher would probably try to get him back for this embarrassment, but he'd be waiting for the fucker next time.

**FIN.**


End file.
